in fits and spurts and inch by inch
japan chapters: holding memory in Beatles songs
[content warning: vascular dementia]
I think I’ve finally shaken the jet lag and am adjusting to the unpredictability of my days here in Asahikawa, Hokkaido.
Some days blur past in fits and spurts while others inch along at a crawl in a jumbled mix of sweet moments and frustrating or sad ones. There are times when I’m just trying to soak up every detail of a single moment- a glimmer of how she used to be- and then there are times I wish I could fast forward… or if we’re wishing, rewind to sometime before all the loss and change.
The sweet moments sustain me, bring new doses of perspective in waves (some gentle, some less so), and remind me why I’m here not only for her, but for me, too.
One of the sweet moments: Sitting together, listening to a Beatles’ greatest hits CD Dr. Kihara gifted my mom on her hospital discharge day, knowing the Beatles were her favorite band. Her short-term memory is sporadic at best, but within a mere moment of one song ending and the next track beginning, her cute voice joins in. Always within the first bar of music.
She tells me she memorized all the lyrics when she was 16, playing them on her record player in her bedroom with my Auntie Eileen. She recalls details from the two Beatles concerts she attended live as a teenager. The stories blur together, but my favorite is how she got her whole section in the stadium to be quiet (instead of screaming), having convinced them to actually listen to the music.
Another is how she called into the radio station KRLA to win them and wasn’t afraid to talk on the radio if it meant she got the tickets. I say she must have had gumption. She diverts her eyes, chuckling, and says, “I don’t know about that,” but I do.
We sing together, and she smiles and laughs when she’s aces the exact timing of certain lyrics, and I try to hold off thoughts of sleep to savor the moment.
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